Day 70 of coronavirus in France
Day 19 of enforced confinement
Thirty party bags filled with horsey-themed favors sit immobile in the corner of the room.
Every time a dream dies a phoenix takes flight from its ashes.
But you can’t climb on its back and take flight if you are living in bitterness, regrets and what ifs.
Originally the party supplies were banished from the living room to the office as life was postponed for ‘a few weeks.’ Now the box of party supplies sits forgotten by my daughter and for me an ever-present reminder that life moves on.
Accumulated grief
My daughter asked me today, “Have we been talking about the coronavirus for a year?” “I know the feeling,” I said sympathizing entirely. I remember two weeks ago saying, “It’s been a long month,” and then doing a double take at the calendar to see that it was only the third day of confinement.
Today would have been the first day of vacation. The accumulation of disappointments and injustices continues without relent. Horse camp is canceled. Whether you have faith or not you agree, this is not how Easter was meant to be celebrated.
Each dream deserves to be mourned and buried.
There is a difference between spending a week wishing you were somewhere else and mourning the loss of those experiences in your life right now.
For that to happen we need to feel sad. Instead we are catapulted from one shocking revelation to the next. Make time today for sadness. Carve out a timeslot in the midst of your shock, denial, fear and anger to just let your body feel sadness.
Sitting in the stillness in your brokenness hold a memorial for the dreams that will not come to fruition.
Sadness is the motor for creativity.
Our bodies need this release. Sadness is the motor for creative expression. It leads to scientific innovation, artistic creativity, the birth of new life.
I know you don’t have enormous amounts of time. Some of you can’t even dream of that kind of mental focus right now, your nerves are shot. To you I suggest, call the person who is the most caring and compassionate in your life and just tell them how you feel. Choose someone safe.
Some of you are ready to get out of the fog and move into clarity. I know your day is busy, take fifteen minutes to stare down sadness and express how it feels to be separated from something special to you: people, things and dreams alike.
- Write a letter.
- Draw.
- Paint.
- Sculpt.
- Journal.
- Decorate.
- Garden.
- Write a story.
Live in the now
If the present is sad be sad. If you find joy embrace it.
I have been liberated by a mental exercise that goes like this:
This Is Living Now
If this were the new normal.
If you had to live like this for the next six months.
What would you be doing differently?
Why aren’t you doing that today?
What will you do to start that living now?
My daughter is sleeping in a tent in the backyard tonight. Only after I morned the loss could I start my planning again from scratch: planning a two week spring break within confinement protocol. She’s sleeping like a baby. The tent opening touches the edge of the patio so that she can go out in her jammies and slippers. It doesn’t mean she’s not sad about being separated from loved ones and canceled horse camp. It doesn’t mean the grieving process is over for any of us. But at seven years old she’s a natural when it comes to living in the now.
Her accumulated sadness and injustice might also cause her to lash out when she’s told to pick up her toys. A temper tantrum might be provoked one minute that is forgotten the next. Also, she genuinely doesn’t always know why she’s overreacting. Fortunately, I do, and talking it through is always the answer to walk toward a peaceful heart. I also recommend Chris Voss Teaches Negotiation : A MasterClass in Persuasion to anyone who is a mediator of other people’s emotions.
Everyone grieves differently
“No more talking about Coronavirus” my daughter has declared. I have to say it feels unfair that one member of the family can censor the conversation topics. But we realize that everyone grieves differently and if her village is happy to live inside the parameters of confinement protocol and pretend that it’s a choice and not related to a contagion then that’s okay. At least for today. And as long as it’s a temporary coping mechanism we’ll allow it.
Visit the villages of grief tool coming soon to find out more about healthy progression of grief. Grief is not linear. The emotions you experience can be overwhelming. Some emotions you think you’ve mastered may return when you least expect them. You may go from one emotion to another within a week or even in the same day.
For now, keep talking and keep creating to give those emotions a healthy outlet so that they don’t get walled up.